Self-Served

[scrippet]
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

In the after-hours absence of an employee parking structure, PATRICK scrambles to make a delivery by parking at the neighboring gas station. He rushes into the office building, oblivious to the protests of the GAS STATION OWNER.

GAS STATION OWNER
Excuse me, sir! SIR! HEY!

Patrick makes his delivery. He returns to find the man, with arms akimbo, shaking his head in disappointment.

GAS STATION OWNER
So, are you just gonna ignore me?

PATRICK
I'm sorry?

GAS STATION OWNER
I was yelling at you to stop and you just ran away from me.

PATRICK
Sorry. What did you want?

In spite of Patrick's respectful tone, the man grows illogically frustrated.

GAS STATION OWNER
You can't just park here and run off. This is for customers only.

PATRICK
Oh. I didn't see a sign anywhere.

Now the man is furious.

GAS STATION OWNER
There isn't one! I'm telling you now.

PATRICK
Okay, sorry.

The man steps down his fury a half notch.

GAS STATION OWNER
If you want to park here, you can come in and buy something.

PATRICK
Alright, well. Note to self.

Patrick enters his car and starts it to find he is dangerously low on gas.

In plain view of his verbal assailant, he pulls out of the station and into the one across the street. He purchases the most satisfying 22.4 gallons of premium gasoline he ever has... or ever will.

[/scrippet]

Reimaginings...

[scrippet]
INT. APARTMENT - DAY

PATRICK and MIKEY are enjoying Treasure Planet, courtesy of Netflix, when JON enters.

JON
What is this?

PATRICK
Treasure Planet.

Jon observes in silence for a moment.

JON
This is lame. I liked it better the first time, when it was called Muppet Treasure Island.

Jon exits.
[/scrippet]

Cough Cough

[scrippet]
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

PATRICK and JESSE catch up on Star Trek: The Original Series.

JESSE
Oh, I forgot to tell you... I spilled Indian food on my car floor mat today. I had to wash it in the bathroom and it's hanging on the shower door so if you wanted to take a shower...

Jesse coughs twice, either genuinely or suggestively.

JESSE
(cont'd)
...you should take the mat down.

PAT
Jeeze, I get it. I stink. I'll take a shower.

JESSE
No! I was just saying if you wanted to...

Jesse coughs twice, either genuinely or suggestively.

JESSE
...that you could.

Patrick takes the hint.
[/scrippet]

Guest Scene #1 (submitted by Mikey)

[scrippet]

INT. THEATER - AFTERNOON

MIKEY, IAN, and AOISE are watching Drag Me To Hell after drinking three "Brain Blasters" each.

IAN
(yelling)
It's cool, because this is the kind of movie you can just talk all the way through and no one cares!

There is an audible groan from the audience. Aoise suddenly pukes.

IAN
My backpack!

[/scrippet]

Yum-Yum Quesadilla

[scrippet]

INT. YUM-YUM DONUTS - NIGHT

PATRICK, JESSE, and the CARTOON CLUB GANG wrap up a night of cartoon trivia with the classic one-two punch of Taco Bell and Yum-Yum Donuts.

JESSE
I'm a weirdo? You're the one eating a chicken quesadilla you dropped on the floor of a Dunkin' Donuts.

PATRICK
First of all it's a steak quesadilla...

JESSE
Whatever.

PATRICK
Second of all, this is a Yum-Yum Donuts.

JESSE
Whatever! It's still gross.

PATRICK
Third of all... five second rule.

Jesse gives up. Patrick continues eating.
[/scrippet]

The Candle Man Can...

[scrippet]
INT. TARGET - DAY

PATRICK and JESSE meander through the candle aisle.

JESSE
I'm thinking something like this.

Patrick takes a whiff.

PATRICK
What is that? Laundry?

JESSE
Lavender springs.

PATRICK
How bout this one?

Jesse smells Patrick's feeble attempt.

JESSE
What is that? Jelly donut?

PATRICK
Exactly!

JESSE
We aren't getting jelly donut candles. (beat) These ones are nice. Smell that.

PATRICK
It smells like laundry.

JESSE
It's vanilla mist.

PATRICK
What about this?

JESSE
Is that pumpkin pie?

PATRICK
Yeah.

JESSE
Why do all your candles smell like food?

PATRICK
Why do all your candles smell like laundry?

JESSE
Why do I bother bringing you here?

[/scrippet]

Cotton candy

[scrippet]
EXT. RALPH'S PARKING LOT - DAY

PATRICK and JESSE approach their local Ralph's for the weekly Diet Coke restocking ceremony.

JESSE
Why does it smell like cotton candy?

PATRICK
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Patrick and Jesse purchase soda.

[/scrippet]